Anatomical Heart Model
I am starting to get nervous about starting nursing school. At first, everything was happening so fast that I didn’t have time to get nervous.
This is because I was enrolled in 14 units of BSN prerequisites last month when I received a call to come into a Career Center for an appointment. I’d wanted to apply for funding from this organization for nearly a year, but they were out, then they said there was a lottery, and they said they’d get back to me. I had been following up with the career center every few months for about 10 months and had figured I wouldn’t be able to get funding through them.
So, I continued taking BSN prerequisites at the community college, because these were basically free, whereas LVN school that I wanted to attend for cost about $20,000. I started the Fall semester in late August. September 10 was my appointment at the career center. They told me that I was eligible to apply for funding. I dropped my other enrolled classes because in order to get funding I had to be able to start ASAP. It seemed like everyday for the next several weeks I was asked to bring something to the Career Center, to or from my welfare worker, to the nursing school or from my prior college. I had to schedule immunizations, TB tests, drug tests, entrance exams, etc.
School was supposed to start mid-October, but the school moved the start date to late October. So, I’ve got a little gap. Free time, if you will. And I am thoroughly freaking out. Bad nerves. I have other things going on in my life as i assume most everyone does. I took on a few graveyard shifts at work which is really stressing me out, though I love my job. I just keep saying to myself, don’t think about the worrisome things, block them out, thinking about my problems isn’t helping, I just have to take an action after I make a decision.
In some ways, I feel my attending nursing school is a disservice to my children. I know that having a career in which I can financially support them is a good thing. But, because my husband left me, we have no real home, and they’ve had to switch schools once and may have to switch again, my heart bleeds for them. They don’t deserve this. I hate leaving them.
On the other hand, I didn’t do this to them. I didn’t leave my husband and my decision to go to nursing school and ensuing lack of income was not a valid reason for him to leave us. He is the one who refused to pay me any child support when he lived away from us for the last year. I have to remember that I’m doing the best I can and in the end, my kids will benefit.
But I’m scared.
Does this have anything to do with my nursing blog? I’m not sure. But this is what’s on my heart as I excitedly count down to starting nursing school.
I think I’d feel a little more excited if I were going to RN school, my original goal. But this is a good thing, no, this is an EXCELLENT thing for my children because I will be able to establish a career for myself so I can provide for them.
I fight against a spirit of anger by thinking forward. I chose to not dwell on the….if he wouldn’t have that, I wouldn’t be in that situation. I’ve learned/ realized that this is my situation. God is in control. Even though I don’t believe God wanted bad things to happen to us, I have to admit, we are okay. Both me and my kids.
But sometimes, I do get angry. When I think about my kids having to switch schools mid school year, I get a little angry. Only because I’ve worked my arse off my kids whole lives to give my kids stability. Then, my husband jerks the rug from under us?!?!
I chose to view these experiences as character building. A little tiny bit of hardship won’t kill them and should strengthen them. (though it’s weakened me, or maybe given me a new definition of strong) I just want my children to stop having to go through changes!
I’ve been telling them “I’ll fix it” since last year. I haven’t fixed it yet. I feel like liar. But I’m on my way. Finishing nursing school and working full time as an LVN making ~$20/hr will fix things a lot.
I’m So sad.